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Interview with Shasvathi Siva Author of “Divorce is Normal ”

Explore an insightful interview with Shasvathi Siva, author of 'Divorce is Normal,' on Frontlist.
on Oct 23, 2023

Born and raised in Chennai, and continuing to grow up in Mumbai, Shasvathi enjoys stringing words together. A divorce changed her life irrevocably and she takes pride in how she took it in her stride. A fervent advocate since, she battles to destigmatize divorce, envisioning a world where it’s embraced and accepted in every household. Her words have found homes in prestigious publications like Vogue India, The Quint, Vice India, and she has graced the TEDx stage as well. Wherever an opportunity arises to dismantle the stigma around divorce, she seizes it, using her voice to promote acceptance and understanding.

Frontlist: During your divorce, you went through significant struggles. Could you share your thoughts and emotions during that challenging time, and what inspired you to find the strength to write this book?

Shasvathi: Every divorce, no matter how "easy" it might be from a legal perspective, is still difficult emotionally. Very, very few find it to be a non-struggle. My thoughts and emotions during that time felt like it was the end of the world. I doubted if I'd ever get out of the funk and feel like myself again. I also questioned whether I could date again and put myself out there. I had put together a good support system for myself. I often wondered about those who didn't have the same privilege, which pains me deeply even today. This is why I decided to speak on this topic and write this book. The aim is that nobody going through a divorce should feel alone or be burdened by the lack of correct support and resources.

Frontlist: Your book "Divorce is Normal" explores the varying roles of family and friends in the stories you've shared. From your perspective, how crucial is a robust support system for individuals navigating divorce, and why is it important?

Shasvathi: Extremely important. We rely on friends and family for everything we need - from the slightest advice to the biggest help. A divorce is emotionally draining, which means that after every court date, or why, even a call with your lawyer might require you to go back to your friends and vent it out. To have friends and family who understand how difficult this is and lend their support in whatever form they can will be a big blessing to the one going through a divorce.

Frontlist: You've discussed sharing your personal divorce experience on social media. Could you elaborate on how sharing and engaging with others' stories influenced your perspective and understanding of divorce-related issues? Can you also describe how social media platforms can effectively contribute to dismantling these stigmas?

Shasvathi: Divorce as a topic wasn't spoken about openly until very recently. The topic is associated with so much stigma it is seen as such a big taboo that we never made it easy on anybody who went through it. Even as my divorce was coming to a close, I remember relatives reminding me to just "forget it like it's a bad dream" and continue with my life. After seeing me talk about it openly, some others wondered what my future in-laws would think about me shaming the family like this. It's just that deep. Even being able to speak about divorce is a huge privilege. Sharing about it openly enabled many others, who probably aren't comfortable putting themselves out there in front of social media or a platform, to share their story and feel heard. Sometimes, that's all we want - someone to listen to and understand what we're trying to say.

Social media platforms play a BIG role in dissipating the stigma around divorce because every open conversation about this topic is a step in the right direction towards empowering someone stuck in an unhappy marriage to find the courage and determination to walk out.

Frontlist: Your book "Divorce is Normal" delves into the impact of cultural norms and societal expectations on the stigma surrounding divorce. How do you see these cultural factors and expectations influencing the perception of divorce, and what strategies can individuals use to navigate these pressures?

Shasvathi: Expectations are incredibly high in Indian families, and disappointment is equally high, especially when a woman says she wants to leave a marriage in pursuit of a better life. We're highly influenced by families, especially our parents and immediate family, so when there's resistance from them, it can deeply affect our confidence to go forth and get a divorce. And on the contrary, it can prove to be a massive boost of confidence when your family backs your decisions.

Most women are also financially dependent on their husbands, making them feel trapped in a relationship for much longer since they might not have a way out to create a new life when they have no money.

Strategies to be used are, first and most importantly, communication. I believe that's the biggest weapon to fight this war. Of course, I also highly recommend therapy to help navigate these sensitive conversations.

Frontlist. The stories show varying family responses, from strong support to judgment. Why do you think some families are more accepting of divorce while others hold onto stigmas?

Shasvathi: Stigma runs very deep and has been passed on generationally. It's going to take many, many more years of intense mindset-change conversations through examples of those who have been divorced and thriving. Some families evolve with the times, and some don't. For those who don't have such support, there are support groups like mine to help them with support, love, and hope.

Frontlist : For individuals encountering family resistance to their decision to divorce, what advice would you offer to help them navigate these challenging situations?

Shasvathi: To rely on friends, other family members who think otherwise, support groups, and a therapist to help them.

Frontlist: Your book "Divorce is Normal" includes stories with women protagonists. How do you believe gender influences the perception of divorce and the unique challenges both partners face? Additionally, have you encountered any stories or experiences that shed light on men's distinctive challenges in similar situations?

Shasvathi: There definitely is a difference between how men and women go through a divorce. Women have it way harsher, in general. The judgment towards a divorced woman is much higher. A man getting married again is presumed to be accepted, whereas a woman getting married again is heavily cast with a lot of stigmas, and even worse if she's birthed a child. A woman, traditionally, is expected to be the "calm force" that keeps a family together; hence, a woman walking out of a marriage is considered a big sin, as this is a sign of her giving up.