PVLF 2025

Interview With Dr Amrinder Bajaj Author of “LETTING GO”

Dr. Amrinder Bajaj discusses Letting Go, her writing process, and life lessons in this exclusive interview. Don’t miss it!
on Feb 28, 2025

Dr Amrinder Bajaj is a gynaecologist with over four decades of experience. Previously HOD of Obstetrics and Gynaecology at MAX Multi Specialty Centre, Pitampura, she is now attached with the Fortis Memorial Research Institute, Gurugram.

Among the books that she has published is a memoir based on her association with Khushwant Singh, two wellness books and an autobiographical novel. She writes on and off for the Times of India, Tribune and Indian Express.

Frontlist: Dr. Bajaj, Letting Go portrays a deeply emotional journey of love, loss, and self-discovery through the lens of a strained marriage and caregiving. How did your own experiences or observations as a doctor and individual influence the themes of vulnerability, connection, and resilience that run through the book?

Amrinder: The book intertwines personal experience with my experience with patients. Different people respond differently to the same situation. For instance, there was this demure Sati-Savitri type of housewife who would accompany her husband to the hospital for some complications of cancer or another. So fed up was she with the constant care she was forced to give her pati parmeshwar that I heard her mutter under her breath, “marta kyu nahin?” I was shocked. Though we were not on the best of terms, such a thought never crossed my mind during my husband’s prolonged battle with cancer.

It is only when a doctor becomes a patient, does he realise how demoralising is the lack of concern of an indifferent doctor treating him. I also understood that the person most neglected in a family with a chronically ill member is the caregiver. She is in a state of constant stress that can lead to depression, which is often overlooked. At the NIMHANS golden jubilee event, President Droupadi Murmu said,

‘Women bearing the burden of domestic responsibilities and caregiving for the family are prone to a range of mental illnesses that usually go unnoticed…’

Mind you, she was speaking of normal women in a regular household.

The caregiver in this story has her moments of weakness, but she draws upon inner reserves to do what is right by the person who needs her. Though she knows that, had the shoe been on the other foot, he would not have done so.

Frontlist: The title, Letting Go, is evocative and multifaceted. What does ‘letting go’ mean to you personally, and how does this idea weave through the narrative?

Amrinder: During the course of the story, every major milestone of the narrator’s life is punctuated by letting go of something or the other.

When her husband’s cancer digs its claws into his flesh and into their marriage, she sheds her hurts, humiliations, resentments, and regrets like autumn leaves to let the fresh, green leaves of tender, loving care take over. Overnight, a determined doctor and a devoted nurse take the place of an injured wife and a neglected companion.

When 2nd generation of chemotherapy causes intense suffering without improving her husband’s condition, she decides to stop the ‘treatment’ and let her husband go in peace. After he passes away, she lets go of a life she had known for over four decades to embark upon a solitary journey of her own. When friends and family forsake her when she desperately needs them, she lets go of expectations and finally finds peace.

Frontlist: Your book explores a marriage that is functional yet deeply flawed. How did you approach writing the complexities of love and connection in such a challenging relationship dynamic?

Amrinder: Love was never there in this marriage, as in most arranged marriages. Over a period of time, people get habituated to cohabiting with incompatible partners. They stay together for social and financial reasons but chiefly for the sake of their children. Habit, they say, is stronger than love and harder to break. You only have to look around to find mismatched couples, especially of the older generations, who would never dream of separating. These lines in ‘The God of Small Things’ by Arundhati Roy sum up succinctly what I am trying to say.

At Pappachi’s funeral Mammachi cried… Ammmu told the twins that Mammachi was crying more because she was used to him than because she loved him. She was used to having him slouching around the pickle factory, and was used to being beaten from time to time. Ammu said that human beings were creatures of habit, and it was amazing the kind of thinks they could get used to. You had only to look around you, Ammu said, to see that beatings with brass vases were the least of them.

Frontlist: As a practicing doctor, you have undoubtedly witnessed many stories of resilience and survival. How has your medical background shaped your understanding of vulnerability and human connection, as reflected in the book?

Amrinder: It has helped considerably, but not all the stories I have witnessed in my medical practice are of resilience and survival. The response to receiving a grave diagnosis varies from person to person. Some shut down, others rave and rant, plagued with a morbid fear, yet others remain in a state of denial till the very end. Only a few take the lows with equanimity as God’s will. Eventually, most become resigned to their fate. I did try to integrate my observation of the human psyche into the story in such trying circumstances.

Frontlist: The diary in Letting Go becomes a powerful tool for the narrator to process her emotions and conflicts. What inspired you to use this format, and do you think journaling is a pathway to self-care and healing?

Amrinder: Journaling is definitely a form of catharsis. A personal going through emotional upheaval can unload his/her burden onto the uncomplaining pages of a dairy. Having thus parked one’s emotional baggage between the covers of a journal, one emerges light and healed, ready to face any new onslaught that life may inflict. Psychiatrists recommend it strongly. However, many are afraid to put on paper their thoughts and feelings lest their secrets are revealed, leading to conflict.

Frontlist: The narrator's struggle to find equilibrium amidst chaos is deeply relatable. How do you think her journey can inspire readers to prioritize their emotional well-being?

Amrinder: Every person’s journey is different though emotions such as joy, pain, love, loss, anger, and resentment play a part in every life. When going through a period of turmoil, it is important to prioritize. Focusing on one’s health is not an act of selfishness but, of self-preservation, and one need not feel guilty about it. Only a healthy caregiver can give the care her chronically ill family member needs. On occasional breaks, yoga, meditation, prayer, a nutritious diet, a change of scene, and interaction with friends is essential for her wellbeing, be it physical, social, emotional or spiritual. She owes it to herself and her family,

Frontlist: The ending of Letting Go leaves a lasting impression. Without giving too much away, what emotions or thoughts do you hope readers will carry with them after finishing the book?

Amrinder: Resilience, the knack of finding humour in every situation, the ability to rise after a fall, there is life after the worst misfortune. All of us have deep within us reservoirs of strength and courage that we must muster to move forward. It is a conscious choice that one must make, for it is so easy to give up and buckle under.

Frontlist: As a doctor and an author, you’ve worked in two very different fields. How do these roles complement each other in helping you tell stories of human resilience and vulnerability?

Amrinder: Actually, they are interdependent. Doctors are trained to be keenly observant while writers are observant by choice, and when they both add up, it makes for the development of finely etched characters for a book. Also, a hospital is a veritable storehouse of stories. A patient comes to the doctor at her vulnerable worst. A kind word, a sympathetic ear, is all that she needs for her for her story to tumble out. Most doctors do not have the time and patience. I do to our mutual benefit – she gets emotional succor, and I get a story. These ordinary folks are unsung heroes having battled disease and death, adjusted to changed circumstances and moved on in their own quiet way,

If I were to compare myself to a tree, medical practice is the root(s) that provide sustenance and stability, while the written word is the leafy crown that flirts with the sun, the rain, and the wind to weave stories into the tapestry of life. If I were a man, medicine is the wife and writing is my mistress and, I love both dearly.